When your friends pass away you must think about the sadness that follow your soul into the darkness. Whose sadness matters more? Yours or the family? Is there a scale? [If so, share it with me when you have the opportunity.] Does it matter what anyone else feels when you are contemplating how to react and how to understand. Does that make you selfish, does it discontinue your thoughts and because you’re thinking like this does it mean you don’t actually care? You and your experiences matter the most to you, so shouldn’t it be about the journey back to the subject that makes the emotional experience possible. It is also the most difficult part of grief, the journey back to the subject matter, it’s a challenge. It makes you think about the connection between yourself and the black hole of death. Frank O’Hara write “destroy yourself if you don’t know”. Be emotionally available and stop fronting.